AMERICAN DREAM GONE - NOT WHAT ITS CRACKED UP TO BE

As I sit here this Sunday morning, I wake up in my new apartment, sipping coffee I look around and say - I love my new home.  I live in a great apartment in a small town of Raymore, Missouri.  I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to most, and you are probably saying, "So what and who cares?".

It is unique because back in January I made the decision to walk away - not from the kids, not from a job or a boyfriend, but to walk away from the American Dream - HOMEOWNERSHIP.  After buying "This Ol House" with a fiance' four years ago I decided that the battle had ended.  I just couldn't win or keep it afloat anymore. 

So I rented, packed, decluttered and walked tearfully away from four years ago what made me so happy and ecstatic, to what sucked me dry and stressed me out.

Yes I bought the grandest, oldest, oh honey it'll be FABULOUS house in a small town (1/2 mile from my kids and my ex).  And I'll have you know, I had a great realtor and loan person.  I got one of the last 80/20 carryback loans at 10.79% interest.  What that means is the owner carries 20% of the loan, the mortgage company carries 80% - due to the fact I didn't have any down payment money. My TWO payments were almost $1200/month.

In a perfect world - two people could have made that payment, but girls, sometimes those weddings don't happen.  And later you look back and say - Thank God!  To cut to the chase with I lived there three years, struggling and paying, AND paying that EX child support for kids that were at my new house alot of the time anyway.

In 2008, I mailed in modification paperwork and after scrambling to move then, that mortgage company decided to be nice and lower my interest rate SIX PERCENT.  What a relief - I could keep the farm.

Well we got through the first part of the year and after another long cold winter, a bathtub falling in, pipes freezing and the like I got behind again.  Price of gas went up, utilties skyrocketing, and unfortunately, it became inefficient to live there and commute there daily for work.  I was driving 80 miles per day for work getting 15 MPG.  But being the fighter that I am I put one foot in front of the other and keep praying that something good would happen and it would all turn around. 

My health was affected, I was sick all the time and broke all the time. But I loved that house, that was my kids home, the trees were huge and I didn't mind mowing.  It was old, nostaligic, the ora was good and I as being a  liberated single woman of the 2000's could handle it.  - WRONG!

I sat on my deck with my coffee, or beer (depending on the time of day it might be) and looked around.  I had become a slave to this place, those bills, repairs I couldn't afford or make.  I mean I had plumbing and drain issues, roof leaks, electrical issues, bathrooms "falling through the floor", cold air coming in huge cracks, etc...My dream became a nightmare and I honestly didn't know what to do.

What had I done, where was my quality of life - what did I do I actually enjoyed.  I couldn't think of much.  All I could thing of is where would I go, what would everyone think and the big one, my parents would have never done this.

But I realized one thing, even though I was ashamed about my decision to WALK away - I realized I had to. My sanity, quality of life and health was important. My credit will probably be ruined, the second mortgage guy will surely find me and my kids really didn't want me to move out of that small town.  It was a hard decision. Would I and will I every own a home again? When? How?

But, after the dust settled and tears quit flowing I changed my perspective and started a new adventure in my journey.

I rented a shiny, new, pretty apartment in my hometown I grew up in, just 15 minutes from the old house.

I followed the moving company up and didn't look back.  I immediately felt a sense of relief and calm. It was the right choice.   And it's awesome. But more importantly,  even though it was a emotional decision, it was a financial decision that made sense. You never get out of quicksand. 

Angie got back her dignity, some more money to live on and some more time to find and enjoy the things I want to be a slave too. It's just geographics and it's just stuff.  I have made this my home now and I feel comfortable here.

I'll miss mowing (just because I'm like that), but I'll mow my parents yards and be fine with it.

And I've decided that I will make my own American dream, and it probably won't be like my parents and grandparents.

Bless you all and know that life is not always the book you write.  And God leads you down trails that look ugly at the time and make you scared and sad, but the end of the trail brings joy, relief and peace.